Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
