Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
