I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
