nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
