he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
