Cold hands, warm shart.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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