he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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