I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
