Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
