Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
How external is "for external use only"?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
