i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
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