If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So many bounce houses so little time
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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