True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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