just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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