They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
