we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
