my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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