i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
