I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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