I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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