Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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