i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
