My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
