Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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