a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
