Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
