We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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