Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
