Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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