I wish I could teleport
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
