ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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