Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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