Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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