You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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