If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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