I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We were destined to go to rehab together
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
