My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
