I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize