tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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