I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
