guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
