my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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