I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
