What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Randomize
