if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
