He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
