I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
