Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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