Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
