over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
