Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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