OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
