i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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