New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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