I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
