No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
