I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
