Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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