then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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