in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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