Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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