Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
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She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
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Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
"I licked someones beard, because I can."