I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.