Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
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Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
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Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years