im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.