I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
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then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
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how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?